Look California – Primaries Aren’t Do-Overs!

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by Tuesday night. I live in LA, after all, and anyone with a TV set knows that all the studios are capable of coming up with are shitty sequels to even shittier original movies. So it really shouldn’t come as a shock that Hollywood went for Hillary. Why go for something new and interesting when you can squeeze the last pathetic cent out of people with the non-threatening price saver option.  But damn it California, what the hell?

What happened to you in the last decade? You fell for obvious bullshit with that recall scam back in ’03.  You know, the one that handed the Governor’s Mansion to Arnold?  Then, despite the fact that  he pretty much promised to date rape you, steal your wallet, and give it to the Republican party, you reelected him.  And now this? 

Hasn’t it occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, someone who voted for this horrible war we’re stuck in, and who refuses to apologize for her role in enabling the war, maybe isn’t the best goddamned person to oppose the dipshits whose political party wanted the war?  And hasn’t  it occured to you, as we’re heading into what is likely to be the third recession in 30 years caused by a republican, that maybe someone who voted in support of a monstrous bankruptcy “reform” bill (designed solely to turn ordinary Americans into debt slaves, by making sure they can’t protect themselves from economic caprice) isn’t the person you want when it’s time to actually correct the economic damage caused by policies she supported?

And finally, hasn’t it occured to you that you just may have made it so that in every election since 1980, there’s been either a Bush or a Clinton in the White House? Doesn’t it seem a little scary when our political system is distilled to factional battles between rival families? 

You know what California?  Coping with your electoral choice is exactly like having a conversation with a dipshit who insists, even now, that The Phantom Menace was a great Star Wars film, even better than Empire. You know how much you want to punch that guy in the balls, just to verify that he actually has some?  That’s how I feel.   

Look, I’ll grit my teeth and vote for Hillary if, thanks to your decision to think in reverse, she’s foisted on us. Obviously, even a corporate shill like Hillary is better than the sick pack of psychotic, war mongering, greedy degenerates in the Republican Party. Whatever her flaws, we know that at least she isn’t a Christian funduhmentalist, an embittered closet case*, a child molesting tax evader, a bribe recipient, a plutocratic aristocrat, or just a run of the mill hypocrite. But I’d kind of hoped that the state that gave us James Ellroy, the Internet, and Star Wars could maybe, you know, show some fucking imagination.  

So, I’m sorry about this, but you’re grounded. Yes, that includes you, San Francisco. That means no more following Britney around, no more stealing water from Arizona and Mexico, no more flipping, no more sequels to American Pie, no more prison riots, no more mysterious MTA bus crashes, no more pretending that the dodgers are a real baseball team, no more valet parking, and no more painting lousy gang tags on retirement homes, until you’ve thought about what you’ve done and endeavored to improve.  

No, I’m not kidding. Now get to your room. I want you to write “I will stop being nostalgic for the 1960s” 500 times. Don’t make me call your father.   

 *For the record, the problem isn’t that there are so many gay people in the republican party – it’s that they’re all closeted, bitter assholes who actively work to destroy the lives of gay people who have the moral courage to actually embrace who they are and demand their civil liberties.

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