Fight dihydrogen monoxide!

 I learned today that there is dihydrogen monoxide all over my workplace, in the kitchens and bathrooms, yet management just doesn’t seem to care.  Here are a few facts about this ubiquitous subtance which I learned from the Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division.

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

· is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
· contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
· may cause severe burns.
· contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
· accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
· may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
· has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

· as an industrial solvent and coolant.
· in nuclear power plants.
· in the production of styrofoam.
· as a fire retardant.
· in many forms of cruel animal research.
· in the distribution of pesticides.
· as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer.

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

But together, we can make a difference.  Already, we’re reducing dihydrogen monoxide throughout the Southwest, sometimes cutting its prevalence by as much as half.  Remember to fight this scourge wherever you go, from sea to shining sea!

About orangehairboy

Oklahoman by birth. Angeleno by fate. I've been in half a dozen bands and own 25 cubic feet of old records. Thank God for Ikea shelves.

Posted on April 2, 2008, in April Fools!. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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