Paul Simon needs to go suck his own nuts, but he’s too short to reach.

I was watching the Colbert Report tonight night, and his special guest was Paul Simon.

Colbert asked Simon about his book, Lyrics, which contains pretty much all of Paul Simon’s songwriting since 1964.  But when Colbert asked Simon if there were any songs that barely made the cut, Simon immediately said, yes, “Red Rubber Ball” was not one of his proudest moments.

Paul, are you fucking kidding me?  This song (as made famous by the Cyrkle) is possibly in the top five best things you’ve ever done.  You fucking shmuck.  You and your goddamned Africanesque polyrhythmic soft-and-warbly Jim Croce bullshit.  Your asshole songs with faux poignant lyricism about going to Graceland and being some stupid girl’s bodyguard make me hate you nearly as much as your crappy movie, One Trick Pony.  Go and die. 

But first, write us another ten songs as good as this one:

13 thoughts on “Paul Simon needs to go suck his own nuts, but he’s too short to reach.

  1. Made famous by “The Cyrkle?” Never heard of them. Paul said he wrote the song for The Seekers, and them I’ve heard of. It was a minor hit for them, and not a bad song. Lyrics could be better but it has a nice melody and rhythm.

  2. The Cyrkle were a sixties band that opened for the Beatles and then quietly faded away. But they were pretty good. That’s the band in the clip pasted in the article.

  3. dude, you’re kind of a d for putting his entire career into Graceland. So he didn’t like red rubber ball. Not all bands like every song they’ve written. The lyrics aren’t as meaningful and well-rounded as all his others. I’m a photographer and I dislike a lot of my pictures that I have posted and put up, but some people love them. so….yeah

  4. Three things :

    1) The Cyrkle were great. The song “Turn Down Day” is amazing and they did fantastic covers of “Cloudy” and Turn of the Century” that rival the originals. They weren’t well known, but they at least deserved as much fame as The Turtles or Herman’s Hermits. Also, they disbanded, they started writing commercial jingles, including “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz”.

    2) I’ve been on a Simon & Garfunkel kick lately, so I’m inclined to give him a little more credit than you do. I love Red Rubber Ball, but I also think S&G songs like “We’ve Got a Groovey Thing Goin'” deserve a lot more credit than they get. Also, Simon had some pretty good songs in the first few years of his solo career had a handful of good songs (“Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard”, “Kodachrome”).

    3) …but after that, he SUCKED.

  5. Man, Paul Simon is a total asshole!

    He stole from Los Lobos (http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2008/04/rhymin-simon-no.html),

    He stole from the Africans he worked with on Graceland.

    The guy is a moronic, talentless FUCK! Credit should always be given where credit is due, I mean seriously there is such a disparity in songwriting, rhythms, and musicality between “Hearts and Bones” and “Graceland” how could a singer progress so rapidly in a year or so—the answer: he just STOLE like a thieving, unoriginal bastard. What a fuckin’ dick! I hope he crawls into a hole and dies, that fucking fuck.

  6. Sorry, but wouldn’t a short stature make it easier to suck one’s own balls?

    Good work, sonnybono.

  7. After hearing (unwillingly) several Paul Simon songs in the last few days, I was compelled to vent and express how much I hate him and his retarded douchebag music. I like some S&G songs but as far as Paul Simon himself and his horrible solo music…I can’t stand any of it, not even his early solo material is listenable. He’s an odd looking, strange acting, smug little man who couldn’t write a good song if his life depended on it. And…Kodachrome? Really? How fucking pretentious and unimaginative, not to mention indescribably irritating and annoying. If You’ll Be My Bodyguard? Has a worse song ever been written? God I want to punch him in the mouth every time I hear one of his songs.

  8. Oh one more thing…how the hell can you lump Jim Croce in with Douche Simon? Croce had a great voice and wrote some of the best songs of all time how dare you sir!

    1. No. Croce sucked, too. Seemed like a nice guy with a lack of pretention…but his songs are so corny. If you like Jim Croce you probably think “And When I Die” by Blood Sweat and Tears is a great song…which means you like music that isn’t good. No big deal. A lot of people do. Its not a crime.

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