Please read this. Read this and know I speak the truth. Read this and buy me a bottle of Jameson. Read this and take my shoes to the cobbler. Read this and pick up my dry-cleaning. Read this and remind me to go to the DMV on Saturday. Read this and go on Pinterest for me because apparently the only way to get ahead in this weary world is to be constantly using the new semi-hot social media a LOT at all times, until people can’t forget about you, and they just read your shit so they can ignore seeing your name everywhere when they’re trying to avoid their old classmates from Freshman P.E.