open letter on Quora to a man filled with the pride of Donald Trump


As a bisexual man myself, I’m glad to hear that you’ve come this far in admitting that you too like to be “filled” with the “pride” of of another man, even if he is Donald Trump.

He’s all up in you, isn’t he? All the way to the hilt? And though I think you’d do better to go online and meet some higher quality guys, younger men with stronger moral fiber and less interest in diverting their sexual energies into Russian hookers and big fat border walls that stretch aaaaaaaallllllllllllll the way across the country, I know that when I first came out to myself about loving men the way you love Trump, I had to do it in baby steps, too. Some of the men in those early years were older guys who showed me the ropes, and perhaps by now I can see that they were not soul mates, but definitely mentors. Trump may be more “mental” than “mentor,” but it’s a good start.

I guess.

Now, I warn you, you’re going to need to learn to say “no” clearly and firmly, even during the times when he’s not firm. As a neophite to the ways of carnal man-lust, you may still be in the cuddling and too-much-KY phase, whereas Trump as a gnarled septuagenarian may not be able to get off without ego-based BDSM and water sports. If you’re willing to have an open relationship, you can probably encourage him to divert those more experienced lusts into the waiting arms of an unenthusiastic porn star, or the loins of Roger Stone, while you gradually grow more confident in your own body and how you experience pleasure.

But please make sure to protect yourself, okay? Sure, Trump may be pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement, but will he pull his “pride” out of you? Remember, this is the guy who said he wanted to “drain the swamp.” And sure, that may have been just dirty talk… but what does it say about his sexual health if he calls it “the swamp?” Make sure he gets an STD test before you do anything risky, and make sure that, unlike his tax returns, you actually get to see the results. In Trump’s defense, I guess his military strikes in Syria show that he does do a good job of warning people before he shoots his load at them.

In the end (and you like it in the end, don’t you! Thatta boy…), your life is about to change in wild and wonderful ways. Keep an open heart, and don’t take Trump too seriously. It sounds like he’s your first, but he won’t be your last: he’s obviously not marriage material, what with his philandering and whoring and inability to tell the truth. Generally his turnaround is anywhere from a few months to a few days, so if he’s stuck with you this long, he probably thinks of you as family. Do a better job of divesting from him than they did, and you’ll have a better time distancing yourself from him when things go south. (And if you get any packages from Russia, don’t drink them!)

When this is all over (and for Trump, it will likely will be over very soon), I encourage you to keep going forward with your new lifestyle changes, unashamed, though perhaps with a focus on more reasonable, nuanced political and sexual relationships.

Have you considered joining the Log Cabin Republicans? They would be able to help fill you with many other things besides just Trump. For example, a love for tax cuts. Or a steak at a SuperPac luncheon. Or a big hairy fist.

-D. M. Collins


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