How gay am I, really?

I was asked this question on Quora:

On a scale of ‘Freddie Mercury getting a piggy back ride from Darth Vader, whilst singing with Elton John and Neil Patrick Harris, during Pride, while it’s raining skittles’ to ‘No way bro’. How gay are you?

Here’s my answer:

QuoraQuestions

For me to fit on this scale, you’d need to:

  • Make Darth Vader into Principal Vader from Rock and Roll High School, AKA the amazing Mary Woronov (star of Chelsea Girls):

  • Turn Neil Patrick Harris into one of these Tom of Finland characters:

  • Replace Freddie Mercury with David Bowie (and for some reason Annie Lennox is there, too, but she’s got Bladerunner makeup on):

  • Make Elton John into, I dunno, Valerie Solanas:

… and this has to be the song playing when the Skittles rain down:

Being bisexual (well, I identify as poly sexual, but let’s just say “bisexual” so I can grab onto that B in the LGBT deal), I’ve kind of decided that:

  • THERE’S NOT REALLY A SLIDING SCALE
  • IT’S NOT BINARY
  • NOR IS IT A SOLITARY POINT ON A LONG LIST
  • NOR IS IT “BOTH” THE BINARIES

If this was a sliding scale, you’d expect that either I’d like femmy femmes and guyish guys, or I’d be somewhere in the middle, liking more masculine women and more lady-like men. Or maybe I’d like people like me, which is kind of androgynous at times. You’d definitely think I’d be a pitcher and not a catcher.

So imagine my surprise when I realized I like multiple kids of women, but usually on the strong and forceful side emotionally, with a lot of lady to them… yet I want my guys to basically brutally force me down onto the bed and punch me. I don’t think there’s a scale I can place myself on that includes both Bikini Kill fans and Catcher in the Thigh.

It’s more like there’s a scatter chart, and I can point to some accumulations of points to figure out some preferred patterns:

These two accumulations might suggest only two options for me, but really it’s like there’s two general quadrants where my interests commonly lie, amidst a bunch of shining stars in the multi-varied and mellifluous homo rainbow!

Are you in the same bi-boat? Then don’t settle for second best.

Don’t be afraid to let your colors shine on, you crazy bi-amonds!

D. M. Collins

D. M. Collins is a journalist and writer based in Los Angeles.

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