Well, first what I would do is get them to shut up!
And how would I do that? It’s simple: I would listen to what they have to say, those little justice-Nazis! I’d be like “I’m so sick of your loud cries based on the love of your fellow humans! When will you just accept that we should all value your opinions, based as they are on facts and fairness?!? I see no good reason to dismiss you with a bunch of name calling!!!” And then I’d really show them the love I have for free speech by respecting their rights to exercise theirs!
But it wouldn’t all be just me listening to their grievances! Hell no! Once they get it all off their chest, that’s when I’d move to shut up the SJWs once and for all by making it a world where social justice had already been achieved!
If I had unlimited political, economic, and persuasive powers to make SJWs disappear forever, I would show them a thing or two! In fact, I would:
- Work swiftly and immediately to get the United States and the world off fossil fuels as fast as possible.
- Get a new Supreme Court Justice on the bench who won’t side against all precedent prior to 2008, and will honor the fact that the Second Amendment was never about individual gun rights, nor was it about controlling how the states choose to distribute gun rights, so gun lovers in Wyoming can keep their guns and not tell me and the folks in my state what to do with ours.
- Fight to get liberalism injected back into the Democratic Party, but not before also working hard to get Democrats back into a fighting formation in Congress and at State and local levels.
- Starting in my own yard first, fight to end discrimination in the workplace, the public space and every space for queer folks, trans folks, ethnic and religious minorities, disabled people, black folks, women and Michelangelo Antonioni fans.
- Pass resolutions, laws, and policies punishing the “boy’s club” culture that puts men’s delicate feelings above the rights and opportunities of all. Let women know I stand with them and won’t tolerate sexual harassment, exploitation, or rape.
- Honor the male victims of rape and sexual assault by campaigning to bring awareness of male rape and de-stigmatize it, by creating shelters for men, by making our prisons safer and less populated (in part by not charging them with longer sentences for the same crimes just because they’re male, or black, or Hispanic, or lower-middle class, or whatever the excuse is).
- Legalize all drugs.
- Remind American that college kids spend a fuckton of money and go deep into debt to go to college. So even if I don’t like their choices of who to protest or who not to protest, they’re the ones primarily paying for it, so let’s let the fucking market decide.
- Work hard to ensure that black people are no longer arrested at a significantly higher rate than white people for the same crimes, convicted more often and for longer sentences, and disparaged by discrimination in all aspects of life, from Air B&B to Uber to depictions in the media.
- Fight against how bisexuals and pansexuals are portrayed in the media. We’re not all a bunch of conniving, sex-crazed, lanky sluts! We’re not a bunch of gaping sex holes, man-whores with red hair and a beard and a gorgeous singing voice, plus the ability to play autoharp like a goddam genius….
- Dismantle the wall between us and Mexico while simultaneously also encouraging economic policies that don’t force people south of the border to flee their homes because they’re broke or in danger (the legalizing drugs thing should help stop the violence, too—as will the Supreme Court ruling, since lax gun laws in the United States trickle down to Mexico due to all the firearms sold here that wind up there in the hands of drug lords).
- Slowly, but not too slowly, eliminate any incentives for companies here to base their operations abroad to dodge taxes. And if they move abroad completely in protest, I’d ban their sales of goods here and ban them hosting servers here, selling ads here, owning property here, etc.
- Make unisex bathrooms or non-gendered bathrooms mandatory everywhere, always, unless you specifically have a private club made just for assholes and douchebags—we wouldn’t want to hurt the feelings of anti-trans snowflakes!
- Ensure gays, lesbians, bis and queers are uniformly allowed the same rights as straights, and that trans and non-binary people are afforded the same rights as everyone else.
- Smash the patriarchy.
- De-privatize prisons.
- De-privatize all utilities.
- Fight to get all war hawks out of power.
- Fight so that women have an equal number of seats in Congress and all other government positions.
- Pass laws banning monopolies on our free speech platforms such as TV and radio, as well as on the internet and in tech.
- Fight culturally to make it shameful to use the word “SJW” to refer to a large group of people with widely differing opinions.
- Have somebody somewhere pardon Sacco and Vanzetti!
- Host an interview with Jordan Peterson during which I tie him to the interview chair and refuse to call him “he” and I say his name is “Jordana” no matter how much he protests, and every time Peterson uses the pronoun “him,” I’m going to say “Listen, Jordana, apparently we all get to decide other people’s pronouns, but not our own, and you are so not a him. Perhaps you meant… HYMN?!?” And that’s when I’ll open this big Satanic black metal HYMNAL and start shrieking songs from it into Jordan Peterson’s ear about bones and wraiths and murdering my ex-bandmates and eating their brains and stuff. Hail Satan.
… and then, when I’m completely successful with all that and all other social injustices, then I will go to consensus training, eat a gluten-free vegan quinoa cake, and listen to whatever music SJWs are supposed to listen to. Probably something SHRILL! And Angry!!!
I think the title track off Judas Priest’s Screaming for Vengeance album would be just about perfect.
So yes! At that point, after doing some serious work to make the world a more just, clean, noble, and fun place, perhaps at that point we’ll be able to not only eliminate the very real reasons why fighting for social justice is important, but we’ll be able to do the seemingly impossible: rid ourselves of the narrow-mindedness that actually thinks I’ll be insulted to be labeled as a fighter for social justice!
Though I do have to admit, I rather resemble this remark: