my answer to a now-deleted question on Quora

I had fun answering this question on Quora, but in the middle of trying to add photos to my response, the folks at Quora removed it. Yeah, it was a weird, racist-y troll question, but I think I had a really good answer. Here it is.

Did Armenians lose their ancient land, Antarctica, to penguins?

The actual conspiracy here is that the real Armenians are still locked in their watery graves, usurped by the rebel Atlantans who, though refusing aid from the penguins, set to work violating all that the gods made fair by breeding yetis with bears in their secret Chilean laboritories!

yeti

This they did by posing bears in seductive poses near snowy mountain craigs, which titillated the yetis so much that they began to lust for them. Meanwhile, the crafty Atlantians painted the yeti’s beards with peanut butter, and by the time the bears were finished slurping down their second-favorite snack, it was too late: soon the white lusty sons and daughters of this unholy coupling, the polar bears, would be unleashed upon the green continents of both Atlantis and Antarctica!

This of course drove the Armenians to flee from the latter to the former in one mass migration that took only 40 days and 40 nights. The lack of their warm bodies soon caused ice formations on Antarctica to skyrocket, leading this once primo beach vacation destination spot to become the rigid carbon repository it is today, a place good for nothing but Metallica concerts and fortresses of solitude.

Meanwhile, the increased weight of all those Armenians pushing down on Atlantis caused it to plunge beneath the waves, taking the Armenians, and all their futuristic robot dragons, to the bottom of the ocean, where they were soon adopted and given air bubble helmets by ancient sentient dodecapuses and septipi. But this did not last long, as a political dispute between rival factions the Molluskian Calimarliament led air bubble helmets to be privatized, increasing their availability but causing the quality of the things to plummet, and who wants to breathe out of a shitty plastic bubble? Knowing they would never get laid again, the Armenians took the classy way out and jumped into an underwater volcano still left over from the Teegeeack days.

Meanwhile, of course, the rebel Atlantans realized they had killed off all the cool kids who had ever picked on them at school. And there was great rejoicing! But not wanting to live in Chile because “it’s just too tall and skinny,” decided to book it over to the Mediterranean and take up residence in the world’s first Christian nation ever, using the name of the race they’d just killed as a convenient alias.

As for penguins—no, they didn’t oust the Armenians from Antarctica. But they didn’t exactly speak up and help at all. So FUCK PENGUINS!

orangehairboy

Oklahoman by birth. Angeleno by fate. I've been in half a dozen bands and own 25 cubic feet of old records. Thank God for Ikea shelves.

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